I'm Tired Of The News, How About You?

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy watching the news, where there is news.   Lately there hasn't been any news.  It's the same old thing over and over again.  Obama this, Obama that, more layoffs, stocks are down, planes crashing, blah blah blah. 
If I had my way here are the only stories I would allow to be broadcast on these subjects.
1.  Today's Top Story - We are pleased to report there were no plane crashes, no automobile accidents, and no deaths in the U.S. today.
2.  On The Political Front - President Obama could not be found today, no one really cares. 
3.  In Financial News - The Dow Jones Industrial Average hit a new all time high of $27,778.99,  with Bank stocks leading the way.
4.  In Other News -  A spokesman from Monster.com sends his apologies to users of the job search site.  The site was out of service for several hour today due to the massive amount of postings by potential employers that exceeded the capacity of their servers.
5.  Oddly Enough -  Auditors at the I.R.S. discovered an internal accounting error today.  The details are still unclear about when and how it happened, but they have issued a statement that the government has more money than it knows what to do with now.  They have declared that there will be no more income tax due from anyone until further notice, and they will be sending refunds with interest to all taxpayers.
Thanks for reading,
J.R.